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The Article
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From Rejection to
Restoration, From Broken Heartedness to Being Restored to My First Love
(My Testimony)
By Jason DeShazo
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I was born Jan. 3, 1979 in Plant City, FL.
My parents tried for over five years to have me and it didn't look like it was
going to happen. My mother, in a strawberry patch, fainted and they took
her to the doctor to find out what happened. We lived in that city for
three years. My father was a construction worker and we relocated to a
smaller town, Okeechobee,
FL.
I don't remember a lot of details about my early childhood.
What I can remember is my parents loved me and did a lot for me. I do
remember at the age of three I wanted to be Wonder Woman and I jumped
across the room and hit a chair and bit the top of my tongue off. At that
age I loved Wonder Woman, Incredible Hulk and Happy Days (I was the Fonzie).
When we relocated, my mom went to work at a little BBQ
restaurant and I would spend a lot of time there with her. I would sleep on
the freezer in the back. I loved to make garlic toast and pretend like I
was waiting on tables. I loved people. I remember I received my very first
tip from Sara Griswold. Through the years she became like a grandmother to
me. I remember I kept trying to give free chickens away to the homeless
people, however, business would not allow that.
I remember my first experience of death. It was my mother's
boss who owned the BBQ restaurant, Skip Bryant. He was also a sheriff's
deputy. His family eventually became like a second family to me. He was on
a rescue mission, flying over the lake, and the plane crashed in the water
and he died. It devastated me. I remember talking to my principal at school
about it. He was very encouraging to prompt me to really show my emotions.
It was my first realization that it was O.K. to be my real self and not
hold back. Around this same time, I started realizing that I was attracted
to males. In the midst of that time, homosexuality was spoken of as a
negative thing and the term AIDS and other things were shoved down my
throat by my mother.
In this time was when my mentality came against my
feelings. I was having an inner struggle. I was attracted to my friends,
but never could say anything. At that time in my life, my mother was
going to church and I went with her. I never remember as a child the
minister addressing the gay issue, nothing negative was said there. At this
time, I actually tried to have girlfriends. But inside I was always
attracted to males. My very best guy friend and I were always together and
I remember being attracted to him. I still have cassettes that he and I
made. Instead of writing letters, we recorded our messages to each other.
We talked about everyday life and he actually introduced me to different
types of Christian music. In the midst of all this, I had a babysitter and
her brother was a skateboarder. He always let me hang out with him and
watch him skateboard. He taught me how to skateboard, in fact. He never
knew of my attraction and he was much older.
My parents were having some issues, fighting and not
getting along. My dad was an alcoholic and drug user. They sat me down and
said that dad was going away for a couple of weeks and that he would be
back. Needless to say, I didn't know this was the start of them getting a
divorce. This was a turning point in my life for my relationship with God.
My dad, a few weeks after they separated, got saved, delivered and set
free!!!! There was no rehab, he got up from the altar and never touched a
thing again. It wasn't long after that that I gave my heart to God, I got
saved.
Then, my mom started backing away from church. It was
literally like a flip-flop. My mom never really walked away from God, but
church wasn't her focus anymore. Obviously there were a lot of hurt
feelings and emotional issues between my parents and I witnessed a lot of
conflict. Not many months after the divorce, my mom met someone (who later
became my step dad). We didn't get along well, in
fact, I had a lot of anger and hurt toward them. Over the years, God has
healed, changed and fixed a lot of things between us. There were many
instances where God's divine protection was upon us because we both could
have not been here today.
My dad grew closer and closer to God. It drug
me in. I saw what God was doing to him and I wanted it for myself. I would
see my dad every other weekend. The first thing we would do is go to the
church and pray together. My dad was a caretaker of the church then. There
were many nights when I was visiting (as young as nine), we would go into
the church and I would try to play the drums or piano and we would just
worship together. He really instilled the value of worship into my life,
and I don't think he even knew it.
There have always been influential people in my life,
however, ultimately God helped me deal with my having two homes, and being
closeted gay... and He pushed me toward my budding ministry. I remember
in town we had one openly gay guy. His name was Gary. He was actually friends with my
uncle and aunt. I only met him like once, however, I knew from somebody
that he was gay. I remember my family talking about how people would
mistreat him because he was gay--he was the only one.
I remember in the midst of this at my dad's small country
church, the men would tease me, pick on me-because I wasn't like all the
other guys. They tried to "toughen" me up by roughhousing with
me-they were mean! It really caused me to close up. I had to live up to the
"standards of a man." I hung out with the women in the church all
the time (i.e., I shopped, I cooked, etc.). The people in the church became
like my family. Their influence and opinion meant a lot to me. I spent a
lot of time with the pastor, Brother Herb, during the summers. He never
treated me different, he never tried to toughen me up, he would make little
silly comments about Barbies, but he never tried
to change me. He used to giggle and tell me that I would make
somebody a good wife someday. But he was never condemning. His wife
was so nurturing, she nurtured my gifts of cooking, hospitality, and
creativity. She was so easy to be around, she made me feel important, and
she just nurtured me. She was so encouraging.
I loved trains and one time she took the whole front of her
house and helped me build a train village in her foyer. I remember on Sundays
I would get up early and we would make goodie bags for everybody in the
church.
At the same time, the other side of my life with my mother,
the home life was rough but I also got involved in a church there as well.
Funny, Dad was hardcore Pentecostal Holiness and Mom's was Grace Brethren
(like Baptist). I got very involved in music and youth ministry. We went to
youth competitions (music, Bible quizzing, etc.). I made two best friends
(twins), and we became very close-we did everything together-and I knew
they knew I was gay but we didn't talk about it. The great thing was, they didn't care! They were a very strong support in
my life when things were rough at home. Time came for them to graduate
(they were older) and they left for college, It hurt me bad.
I also had made another friend during the time of the
competitions, we did them together. I had very strong feelings for him (but
never expressed them). I still have every letter we wrote each other. We
lived across the state from each other and wrote each other every week in
addition to talking on the phone 2-3 times a week. We eventually lost
contact. The pattern that I noticed was: every person I got close to seemed
to leave. I felt abandoned and this followed me for a long time.
This was a pivotal time, and I moved in with my father. It
was the time that I was going into high school. My sexual feelings (during
puberty) were increasing, but I had to keep them hidden. During high
school, I had a couple of girlfriends. I met Dane, who is now a very dear
friend of mine. She became my best friend, my confidante. We are still
closely connected spiritually. This relationship was viewed from my family
as more than a friendship. I had two girlfriends (but they hated Dane). She
always knew I was attracted to men and was supportive.
Around the age of 16 I had a traumatic experience that
actually outed me. I was having relations with a
man and he decided he didn't want to do it anymore and he beat me up. I
bear the scar today. It was at my dad's and he asked my dad to take him
home and he did. When my dad came back, I was in the church praying and
bleeding at the very spot where I was saved. I remember my dad sat next to
me and he tried to mend my wounds. I don't remember anything that he said
except, we're gonna pray about this and he cried. The next day, I remember
sitting in the new pastor's van in the parking lot, with him telling me I
needed help and deliverance. They sent me to "therapy"-an ex-gay
ministry. Thus began my retreat back into the closet. Through years of
"counseling" and "deliverance" I made up my mind that I
was going to do everything it took for God to set me free from
homosexuality. For four life-changing years, I pursued God (not dating).
In the midst of that, the pastor told me that if I didn't
become straight, I would never feel the presence of God again (that was a
lie of the enemy and I never believed it). I was bound and determined to
find out what God wanted, what God said. I had a period of amazing
impartations from many ministries and men & women of God. I went
through deliverance services. I went through healing services. Every time I
would go up for prayer I would never tell the person who was praying why
they were praying, just that I needed deliverance from something. And nine
out of ten of the people would tell me that God said it was OK, that He
still loved me, that it was natural, the He created me that way. They had
no idea what they were saying. Eventually I ended up in Palm Beach with Ruth Cooper who is a
dynamic woman of God who I worked in ministry with for a couple of years.
I left Palm Beach to move to
Tampa to
help my grandmother because my grandfather had passed away. Thus began my
coming out. I began to meet gay people, go to some gay establishments, and
began exploring my lifestyle. In this time I got to see both sides: the
worldly side and the Godly side of being gay. On one side I saw the hurt,
the rejection, the loneliness, and the desire to be loved and accepted.
There was so much pain and agony in the worldly side, I just couldn't stay
there. On the hand, I kept hearing the term "gay Christian" and I
couldn't put the two words together in my mind. I found the Potters House
in Tampa.
There I saw gay men and women, hungry for God.
Not long after that I moved to Orlando. In Orlando I struggled on the fence. I
visited mainstream churches and would feel at home to an extent, but I
couldn't be myself. I met my friend Cliff (who is now one of my best
friends). We became roommates and eventually moved to Albany, Georgia
for his job. The day we got there, God spoke to me and said, "Find
Covenant Community." I visited a church called Covenant Community in Albany, but it wasn't
the right one. This initial move to Georgia
was my stepping stone to come to Atlanta.
In Atlanta,
I made some wrong friends. Those relationships lasted about four months.
Over a period over a year I kept hearing about New Covenant from various
sources (friends, internet, publications, etc.). So I visited. The second I
walked in I knew God was in there. The second week I went back and Pastor
Brian was preaching on the Holy Ghost. And when I got up off the floor
speaking in tongues for the first time in a long time, I knew this was
home. The day I joined New Covenant, I was looking at the paperwork and saw
that it said "New Covenant Community" and I knew I was in the
right place!!!
To sum it up, from the time of my conception, God had a
destiny and a plan for me. As I look back, I can see the steps that God
has allowed me to take to be where I'm at today. From rejection to
restoration, from broken heartedness to being restored to my first love-I
can honestly say that it is OK to be saved and gay. And I know as I look
into my future, God has great and mighty things in store, not only for me,
but every person!
Some of my favorite passages are:
Joshua 1:7-9 "Only be thou strong and very
courageous, that thou mayest observe to do
according to all the law, which Moses my servant commanded thee: turn not
from it to the right hand or to the left, that thou mayest
prosper whithersoever thou goest. This book of the law shall not depart out
of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written
therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt
have good success. Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good
courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is
with thee whithersoever thou goest."
John 15:1 "I am the true vine, and my Father is the
husbandman."
And, I also love Psalm 23, Psalm 91, and the whole book of
Song of Solomon.
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