NCCA Staff Pastor Paul

My Testimony

Part 1, I am born

I come from a good family. My parents were and are wonderful, godly people. I deeply love and respect them even if I don't always agree with them. I am the youngest of five brothers and have a younger sister. Everyone in my family professes to be a born again believer and is religious to some extent. I received Jesus as my savior when I was about eight years old. I'd heard the salvation message all through my childhood but it was my brother David who finally explained it to me in a way that my eight year old mind could understand. I asked God to forgive me of my sin and asked Jesus into my heart while sitting in the back seat of the 'green pickle', our family's worn out 61' Chevy station wagon. It wasn't long before I had doubts about my salvation. The pastor at the first Baptist church that we attended preached about salvation but little else every Sunday. I thought, 'if he keeps preaching about it maybe I got it wrong.' I must have gotten 'saved' a dozen times over the next few years, just to be sure. That same pastor made a big mistake one Sunday when he said, "Don't ever go to that charismatic church up the road. They teach speaking in tongues and other false things." Well…. my mom is a very bright, independent and strong willed woman and the pastor's admonition only made her curious. The next Sunday found our family in the very back pew of an exuberant, chaotic, crowded and welcoming full gospel church. The pastor was a retired Mennonite farmer who had been kicked out of the Mennonite church for 'false doctrine'. Pastor Roy was one of the kindest, humblest and gracious men I have ever met. One on one he was shy and quiet; behind the pulpit he spoke with power and authority. Our hearts were opened to new teaching that we had never heard before; God's consuming love, the power of the Holy Spirit and our purpose here on earth, not just the reward of heaven later. I attended a private Christian high school and later my parents convinced me to attend Oral Roberts University in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Outwardly, I was the perfect son; inwardly I was fighting a battle with my gay 'demons'. I knew from the age of eight or nine that I was different from my brothers and, in my mind, from everyone I knew. I knew that I had no attraction to girls but the cute Baptist boys with their crew cuts and starched Sunday shirts drew my curiosity. (Baptists continue to churn out a bumper crop of gay boys year after year, hooray for the Baptists!!) But I also knew, even at an early age, that my struggle was one I could share with no one. My parents were ultra conservative. My family was very much sheltered from the outside world. I was subtly taught that everyone and everything outside the church and home was dangerous and to be feared. The fundamentalist church taught me; 'Jesus loves you' but also 'God is mad at you so you'd better watch your step.' And even as divorce was becoming more common in the church it became acceptable and 'Christian' to bash and judge gay people. I was terribly conflicted. I knew of no other 'different' boys in high school. I knew vaguely of a few effeminate gay men at ORU. I learned to be friendly and outgoing on the outside but privately became introverted and self sufficient. I believed I was still a Christian but only as long as I forcefully suppressed any same sex desires. After college I moved to Washington, D.C. to work first as an apartment manager and later in real estate sales. The city was everything my parents were afraid of a more; I loved it! At the ripe old age of 25 I summoned the courage to dash into a gay bookstore in DuPont Circle and grab a Washington Blade. In the back of the gay weekly I discovered ads for (hold your breath) gay churches! The following Sunday afternoon I bravely (?) entered the nearby Episcopal Church where an MCC church held its service. I made a point to go only after the service had started and sat far in the back by myself so as not to draw unwanted attention to myself. Sadly, an aging queen could not resist the urge to come and sit right beside me during the service. He even insisted that we share a hymnal so he could have an excuse to touch my hand. I was sad and disappointed to be the focus of his lecherous gaze. Halfway through painfully boring, liturgical service I bolted. If this was what a gay church was like, no thanks. I didn't do anything else 'gay' for three years.

Part 2 Coming out

The next few years were painful and lonely. My real estate career was going well. I built my first home and had a nice car. But I felt like a bystander in my own life; I was going through the motions of living but not really enjoying it, tasting it. I was careful to maintain my daily quiet time but suspected that if I gave in to my homosexual feelings that God would disown me. Toward the end of my twenties I realized that my feelings were no longer a phase that I would outgrow. I had been dating a female friend for several months but there was no chemistry. One day the truth hit me like a brick; I was being dishonest and unfair to her, but I was also being dishonest and unfair to myself. I broke off the relationship, rented out my house in the suburbs and moved into the city. I 'came out' to myself and started to do all the things that young gay guys are supposed to do; clothes, bars, clubs, messing around etc. It wasn't long before one of my new friends said, "Paul you're just a B O T H, Big Old Trash Heap!" I took it as a compliment. My parents would have been shocked to know just half of what I was doing. I felt liberated; I was finally enjoying my life. Like so many others I reasoned, 'if I'm going to hell for being gay I might as well make it worth it'. By the grace of God I connected with a genuine group of Christian gay folk at Metropolitan Community Church in Washington, D.C. That MCC taught that God loves all his children, gay and straight. I remember reading, 'Jesus loves me, He knows I'm gay'. I made two decisions early on; 1) I would not abandon my relationship with God altogether, but I wouldn't let religion interfere with my fun and 2) If my family asked, I would tell them without apology that I was 100% queer. After wasting my 20's being 'good' I invested my 30's in being 'bad'. I hit the clubs in D.C., Baltimore, New York and Chicago. I did what pleased me without apology. I was really living…or so I thought. All the while God kept speaking to me saying, "Paul, I want you back". This really annoyed me. In my heart I hoped that I could be saved and gay. I knew that I was born homosexual but at the same time the word taught me that God would not create someone for the purpose of hating him. I believed a compromised doctrine that said gays could be Christians but that gay Christians could never be good, holy, or useful. Gay Christians could make it into heaven, but just barely. I believed in Jesus as my savior but I did not understand or believe his promises to me. I was afraid that if really tried to live for God he would make me do things I didn't want to do. I was afraid he wanted me to suffer like I had in my twenties. One morning I was having my daily quiet time when God said it again;

God: "Paul, I want you back."

Me: (really annoyed) "what do you mean, 'I want you back'"?

God: "I want you to live for me."

Me: "But I'm gay!"

God: "Really! Wow! That's a surprise. Paul, give me some credit. I knew you from your mother's

womb. I knew who you would be."

Me: "But you hate gay people!"

God: "Says who?"

Me: "Says everybody."

God: "Everybody?"

Me: "Well, most preachers and most Christians."

God: "Since when do you believe everything you hear?"

Me: "well……"

God: "Well what?"

Me: "Well, I don't want to be a miserable, self righteous, boring Christian."

God: "I don't want you to be a miserable, self righteous, boring Christian either."

Me: "You're going to make me do things that I don't want to do."

God: "I never violate men's free will"

Me: "What about the gay thing?"

God: "Living for me is not about being gay or straight. It is the attitude of the heart. If you

submit, I will break off of you the things that need to be broken off and add to you

things that need to be added. My intention is never to harm but rather to help. If I didn't

love you I wouldn't have sent my son to bring you back to me. If I didn't love you I

wouldn't keep drawing you back to me. Right?"

Me: "I guess that makes sense."

Even after I moved to Atlanta in 1998 I struggled between trying to please God sometimes and pleasing myself most of the time. I knew I could trust myself; I was nice to me. I was less certain about God. He seemed obtuse sometimes. My relationship with Him could be best described as; in and out, back and forth, never staying, never holding on too close.

Part 3 Coming Home

In September of 2000 I started my own home building business and decided to make a fresh start in other areas of my life as well. I realized that all promises that satan had made to me were lies and that some of the things I had convinced myself of were lies as well. "OK God, I'll give this 'pressing in' a try," I prayed. I enhanced my morning quiet time by studying the word, not just reading it. I also began a daily worship and prayer time. I made it a point to confess my sins honestly and admit that God was right. Then God began to speak to me as he never had before; 'Steadfast and faithful.' 'Even the righteous man may stumble but he repents and keeps going.' 'By wisdom a house is built.' 'I have loved you with an everlasting love.' 'My kingdom is righteousness, joy and peace.' But before God began to add anything to me he began to break off the bad things; no more tricking, no more porn, no more swearing. Soon afterwards God began to add to my life; joy, peace, revelation knowledge and then on December 31st 2000 a new church family. The past seven years have been a struggle to learn, obey, give and serve. Father God has rewarded my efforts to be steadfast and faithful with; faithful caring friends, financial provision, purpose and a large happy extended family at New Covenant Church. I still struggle to obey God's voice. I struggle to see myself as a pastor and not just a homebuilder that helps out at church. I still struggle to understand and believe all of God's promises to me. But as I continue to 'press in' to my Heavenly Father I experience more deeply the unsearchable riches of his mercy and love. Father God reminds me that a tree that struggles to reach and grow is a tree that is alive and flourishing. So it is with you and me.